today was the day which predicts my future..the day which depends where i shall go..what kind of life i shall lead later on..today is the release of O level results..i was nervous and worried..i knew i didn't do my VERY best for the examinations..so i expected for the worst..when the principal announced the few students who got distinctions and did well..i know i didn't stand a chance on the list..deep down in my heart..i wanted to be on the list..wanted it very badly indeed..who doesn't want to score well..heather's name was on the list..5 distinctions..she was elated..overjoyed..nothing could describe her emotions then..as a friend..i am happy for her..her hardwork paid off..but to be honest..i really don't want to lie..i'm envious and perharps a little jealous..really..no doubt about it..i know she puts in a lot of effort..so she deserve such results..before the release of the results..i just wanted 16points and below..i know my limits..i don't want high hopes and flung in the end..i think i will break down..i thought i would be satisfied with such results..when it's my turn to get my results..i was shaking..my heart was racing..i didn't know what to expect..i tried putting on a brave front..jokingly tell miss lum and mrs adeline that i don't want to get my results..i don't dare to..miss lum replied and say ok i shall tear it away..when my eyes glanced over the sheet of paper..my heart skipped a beat..the first column i look is Elementary Mathematics..i got 3 points for that..it's a WOW!~ cos i normally just had passes..next was Combined Science and English..it's also 3 points..it's not a bad grade..quite good in fact compared to my normal results..my aim was to enter a polytechnic..Tourism course..but i know it's far out of reach..the cut-off point is 9..i got 1 point for Chinese..Many by now would have guess i would have gotten at least a 14 & below for my L1R4..but..no..L1R4 was 15..i flung my Core Geography..not in the sense of fail..i got a 5 points..which i considered bad..cos it's easy to get a distinction for it..i did memorise but not much..cos i had Chinese Literature on the same day..it's a little unfair..but life's unfair..anyway..i should have been very satisfied with my results..it's below what i expected..but gees..i couldn't help but feel a little useless..many got several aces..L1R5 like below 12..it's only then that it sinks in..my results wasn't good compared to the majority..they were all doing great..my L1R5 is 21..something i'm not very proud of..cos my Combined Humanities flung too..6points..i know i shouldn't compare..everyone has different standards..i should know mine..but..i couldn't help it..really i can't..i tried..i felt very uncomfortable..very sad..a little mad at myself for not putting in my best..furious at myself that i was envious and jealous of others when i really shouldn't be..why should i..they were my friends..my best friends..i should be happy for them..share their joy..i did..but not wholeheartedly..i feel so so BAD about myself..why..why can't i practice self-control..why can't i manage my emotions..WHY CAN'T I?!?i totally abhor myself then..i hate it..this isn't just it..many called and sms me to ask about my results..they flooded my inbox..my grades have not even sunk in yet and they didn't gave me time for it to..i ignored them..but got annoyed soon..decided to shut of my phone..i knew some were really concerned about me..how i was doing..but i feel most others just want to compare..let's not point fingers..i can easily name a handful..those who are really concerned i am thankful..but those who are rubbing salt in my wound..SCRAM! it's my life..get out of it..leave me alone for goodness sake..give me peace..stop comparing..even if you are better than me..i can always improve..O level doesn't mean the end of the world if i did not as well as i wanted..now my main concern is facing my relatives during cny..they are bound to ask questions..they wouldn't even leave the minor details alone..then they will compare me with my cousin..i can be sure..so i can only prepare for it..prepare for the battle..i have got till friday to make a decision on what course i shall take..i seriously don't have any idea..i wanted Tourism..that's far to off the question..so i guess something related to it would do..i shall have to think things through i guess..few days for such a major decision..okay it's a long post but today is one memorable day i would remember for life so it's worth mentioning in detail..